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1. Is that his dog? Aw, that’s cute! Wait. He totally used this picture just so girls would think his dog is cute. Oh, no, buster! That’s not working on me!

2. Is that his girlfriend? I don’t get it. Why does he have a girl (or two) in his profile pic? Is he secretly in love with her? Is that his sister? What? This is already too complicated.

3. His adorable grandma/grandpa?! Oh, my, gosh. So precious! I bet he really loves them. That’s nice. He must be a nice guy.

4. DUUUUUDE. Find a shirt.

5. WHY CAN’T I SEE YOUR FACE IN ANY OF THESE PICTURES? Hmm. Suspicious.

6. WOAH did you catch that fish? Or are you just holding it with your arm scrunched up like that, and I’m not supposed to think you’re doing it so that I check out your arm muscles? Anyway, I don’t eat fish. I’m a vegetarian. It says so on my profile. Gross!

7. Something about this picture tells me you traveled to London/somewhere in Europe/somewhere. Maybe it’s the giant historic building/landmark behind you. Are you trying to tell me something? Is it… do you… like to travel?!

8. Oh, here we go. A guy blatantly wearing sunglasses/holding an alcoholic beverage/on a beach/in the mountains. Never seen that before! What a unique fellow. He must be super tough. Also adventurous. It must also have been really sunny when all three of these pictures were taken. Wait, is that indoors?

9. Hmm… a small child. What does that mean? Is that a spawn of you, or a relative, or just a random passing baby? Please clarify. I mean, I would ask you to clarify if that small child hadn’t already scared me away.

10. Ooooh, look at this guy. He’s cute. 6’2″! No way! Oh, he likes books that I like. This is good, this is good. He watches Netflix – hey, me too! Lemme just message him something… something clever… how about: “Hey! :)” That’s it!! I think we’ll be married soon.

1. Ok, here it is, 2015. Usually I’m bummed on NYE, in some kind of sentimental sad way. I don’t know, it just happens! Every year, like SAD. BUT this year, I felt so excited! Happy, even. Wow. You guys. This is either going to be awesome, or really terrible and tragic. Let’s go find out.

2. I have finally entered the “post-college” phase of my life. I mean, it only took a year and a half of actual post-college. I have been so busy (aka gainfully employed and interesting) before now, I had no time to think about (aka sleep in too late) my life now! You know? (Don’t worry mom, I’m working on finding a “real” job!)

3. At some point you have to stop trying to be brave and brash and instead do what is beautiful. What makes you happy instead of terrified. What makes you feel fulfilled instead of simply adventurous. What is “good” instead of “interesting”. Throw pillows and rugs instead of throw-stuff-in-a-suitcase. It’s ok if it feels right, right? More on this later…

4. Sometimes the worst thing for you can be too much of yourself.

5. SHUT UP. STOP TWITTERING ABOUT HOW HEARTBROKEN YOU ARE. IN SOME STRANGE VAGUE WAY. (and yet, at the same time: LISTEN TO ALL OF MY WHINY PROBLEMS!)

6. Selfies are over. Stop. Stop. Or I will be force to break your selfie stick over my knee. Watch me!

7. (Contd from 3, sort of…) When I was younger, (maybe 4 years ago or so) I loved to talk to one of my best friends about how people are so lame, how people get married, and all they want is that house, those annoying kids, and stuff. We loved to think that we were so much better, that we wanted more for our lives than that. We wanted to travel, to meet nice/cool people, to do important things. We never, ever wanted to settle down, to own a house, to be tied to some square chunk of land. Fast forward to now… we’ve done a bunch of cool stuff, we’ve met lots of nice people, we’ve started and are still trying to do important things. And we have more perspective, thanks to all that we’ve done, on the stuff that other people choose to do. Yeah, ok, sure, kids are cute. Yeah, marriage seems, well, it seems to work for you, we guess. Oh no, we still don’t think buying that house is a good life choice… anyway, what I’m saying is, is that we’ve changed our minds. Even if it is just a little. And we hate to think what our past selves would say about it, so we barely admit it to our current selves.

8. What do you mean, you saw me on OKcupid? No way. I saw you! (BTW your profile pic is really terrible. I mean, it probably is. It might be. Not that I’ve seen it. What are we talking about?)

9. What country this year? Vietnam or South Africa? Do I have to choose?

10. It’s all going to be ok! Especially when you think about global warming and how terrible it is, and how no one even gives a shit that the polar bears are dying, not really. Look, all of your other problems have now practically vanished!