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“I don’t need you anymore,” he says, pushing another pretty face in front of him. “I have her.” I’m replaceable. He doesn’t need me.

“Söpö poika,” I say, and the ocean is beautiful on my birthday, and I am lost beside it.

Was it always about filling a silence? A role he couldn’t keep himself? Not a friendship but a voice to speak to.

It is a beautiful language. One day I will learn, one day. And I put it off and off and off, forever.

We seek to understand each other. It’s good to make this a life’s ambition as it would take more than a lifetime.

He didn’t know what he wanted. And now he wants nothing. He can hide from it if she speaks loud enough.

It has been a year and it has been three years and it has been three months. Can you miss someone who doesn’t miss you?

There is no going back after an ending. There is no life in it. There is no point to try. Let him find another face. The epilogue is not a good story. I know, I have tried to live it.

I don’t know if this is a good way to think, or simply a truthful way, or just my truth. You can’t save anyone. You can’t save yourself. All you can do is try to stay a beautiful person, and live your short life beautifully.

Hyvää yötä.

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1. Take what you can get. Something is definitely better than nothing.

2. It all depends on proximity and timing.

3. People are never going to act the way you assume they will. If you stop expecting people to live up to your expectations, you’ll be a lot happier, and live a better life.

4. Nothing lasts forever. Including friendships/relationships. People leave, or move on, and it’s ok. Even if you KNOW that the person you’re spending time with won’t be in your life for too long, you should still be happy and be with them and treat them like a great human being who you’re happy to be with, for however long you’ll be in each other’s lives.

5. Do something today you’ve never done before.

6. Seriously, I am super funny. I just wish you could understand how funny I am. I am so funny.

7. “Smile! Don’t look so depressed, it’ll be OK!” – guy outside the drug store, to my retreating self. Uh, two things. First of all, no one smiles all the time, so why should I be smiling as I walk out of a rite aid? Second, rite aid does not carry muffins, so why the hell would I be smiling/not looking depressed as I walk out of my local rite aid at nine in the morning, muffin-less?!

8. I’m (re-)learning French on this super cool app I just got on my phone (Duolingo). Je suis une femme blancheSo useful! I’m off to France!

9. Do people really listen to the radio these days? I don’t believe it. Who are you?

10. The closest anyone can come these days to visiting another planet is to go to any Home Depot late at night. Just try it. This sort of thing you just have to experience first-hand.

We sit in a circle and talk and say nothing. During the silent parts, we really say nothing. We have nothing to say to one another. I have nothing to say to you. She bows her head, pretending to read, or text, or check her email. He stares blankly at something – it doesn’t matter what. I watch all of this happen and I too say nothing. I do the same things. We all do the same things.

We talk about what other people have talked about. We translate other peoples’ words into our own and pretend they are important. Are they important? No, they’re not important. This guy is dead. Is it relevant? No, it’s not relevant. Why are we doing this? Why are we always doing this?

I try to force myself back into the hive mind but I can’t. I listen to what other people say but I don’t hear them. No one hears them. They can’t. They cannot. Tears well up in my eyes – why?

We laugh. We try so hard to come together and understand. We never will – not like this. Not in this way. We’re going about it all wrong. There are little moments where we feel it happening, but those fade away so quickly. We can’t keep them, so we keep talking. We speak nonsense. We don’t know what we’re saying. We just talk and say nothing. We can’t stop.

What I want to say to you does not exist in words. What we all want to say to each other does not exist in this world, in this place, in this society. We laugh and cry together and it means nothing.

It only happens in the silence. It only happens in our unspoken language. Those quiet times are our opportunities, but we don’t take them. We sit silently, silently. Waiting for someone to speak nothingness. We can’t. We cannot.

1. Where’s Monaco? I think it’s by France. Or maybe it’s in France. Or maybe they just speak French there.

2. The next time you see someone you don’t know, go up to them, introduce yourself, and ask them how old they are. Let’s get over this whole my-age-is-my-secret crap!

3. Girls! Why are so many of you so pitifully needy? That’s not attractive, and it makes me hate you a little bit. Stop.

4. Has anyone else ever thought about how weird wisdom teeth are?

5. Why do we name hurricanes? Isn’t that sort of the same as giving a serial killer lots of media attention?

6. When people die, newspapers usually give them a one-liner obituary. A lot of the time it’s something like, “Betty enjoyed knitting.” What will your obituary sentence be?

7.  Are “hipsters” even a thing anymore?

8. Can we all just be honest with each other and talk about how ugly TOMS shoes are?!

9. In novels, there are flat characters and round characters. The same goes for real life. Are you a flat character or a round one?

10.  If someone tells you that they don’t like an idea that you have – even if you think it’s really great – accept it. Move on. They don’t like it! End of story. What are you, an only child?