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He’s back, almost two years later. Everyone is unsure how to feel. Happy, at first. Excited for some amount of joy, eager to soak any of his sunshine in during the dark times. Confused, unsure, hesitant, guilty.

Was he guilty? If she thinks so, does it matter? What matters? Does he still matter to us? Are his words still important? Can a man be separate from his work? Am I?

He painted in rainbows, in sunshine, in colors so bright they might still blind us from our harsh realities.

It’s been more than a decade, more than a moment, more than that night we sat together in the same room and thought about the same things. But he was with other people in other rooms, too.

We move on.

There are seedlings growing in the sunshine on my balcony. Sunshine itself is sadly not enough for you and I to grow. Apart or together.

They abuse the colors of the rainbow to make money, to spread fear and misinformation, to tell truths we may or may not need to hear. There is very little silence. Here, too.

Writing is speaking. Speaking is wind rushing out of your lungs, through your vocal cords, over your teeth – back into the air. Release it all.

There is very little space, now. Too many people stuffed in too many homes. Don’t spread anything. Keep quiet. Share nothing. Don’t move. Stay still.

Yes, you’re all special. Loud and terrible beings. Your mother is the worst, your dog is the cutest, your life is the most important. Here, too.

It is warmest in the sunshine next to the window. From there you can look out onto the street, watch the people riding their bikes, buying fresh bread, holding hands.

It’s always been very distant. There’s never been a goal. I’ve never been part of it.

He’s back, feeling not too bad about any of it. He tells us he’s learned a lot about himself. Is that possible? Do we care?

Everyone is very tired. They nap in the sunshine, in the quietness, next to the colors of life.

The old man walking down the road calls to his little dog: Come, come here.

Last year she quit her job, sold her belongings, and moved to another state. Now she’s back again, and we’re here pretending nothing happened – no man broke her heart, no time has passed, she’s just living in a different apartment now, working a different job – slightly shifted but the same.

In my dream they stood naked in a field. In my head he sings to me still, though I haven’t seen him in years. He sings, he sings, the sun goes away behind a cloud, my eyes disappear beneath their lids, water swells over the earth.

You want to listen to his music pre-2017, Bob Dylan in his early years, my music in the future, if there is one.

My professor said all humans seek recognition. It’s the only way we can know ourselves – to see our self through someone else.

It isn’t real life, he said. It echoes at me through the years. It isn’t real life.

What are we building now? The houses of our past has crumbled. My mind is crumbling. Must we always make something more?

You are still alive out there, somewhere, though I haven’t seen you in years.

My old Philosophy teacher doesn’t want to vote for Bernie. But we all already knew that there is a limit to the usefulness of Philosophy.

The strings we left dangling may yet be tied back together. All we have is the time we have left to see what happens: what dreams we will dream, what music we will lose and find again, what people will fade away or come back, what all we will build and tear down.

If she could see me now, she wouldn’t believe it. Look at us, I whisper at her through time, you’d love this. Everything you wanted and still nothing.

We are at the brink, at the edge of destruction, at the cusp, the final race, the last human choice. We will go forward from here. It may be a beginning or an ending – we won’t know for many years.

Years ago the future was dark to me – a mystery. It still is. He still is. We still are.

The ivy plant I stole is growing in the windowsill, so slowly. What will its future be?

You should write – you should sing – you should dance to bad music – you should travel before your hips and knees and eyes go out.

What is it to us? We cannot see the melting glaciers from our ivory towers.

She told me it was a fine example of fictocriticism. I told her I like to refer to it as my life.

Ich bin ausländer.

On the train a little girl tells her mom about London. London doesn’t hurt like Berlin does, she says, leaving the train. She goes back to her hotel. She leaves Berlin. She grows up and some other things happen.

Photographs like the blink of an eye. Memories like faded photographs. I can’t see anything in my head. All is dark here.

Today it snowed in the place where I was born. Today it was the hottest it’s ever been in Antarctica. We are all cold and dying like the sun. Her son will be born soon, into this mess we’ve made. Clean your room, child. Put your toys away. Be responsible for something.

 

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He started traveling when he was 23, 5 years ago. Now he’s lived in 6 different countries, speaks 4 different languages, has a lot of great photographs and memories. And, much of the time, he is happy. But he does not have happiness. He says all he really has is his guitar. People that move around on their own, he says, they need something other than people to hold on to. He has his guitar, he says. His traveling companion.

His hair is long, kept in brown dreadlocks. He’s from Germany, but he sings in English and whatever language of whatever country he finds himself in. He is content, happy, to sit on benches across the globe, strumming and singing with the people, the crowds, that quickly surround him when he plays. He brings joy to them. Him and his guitar.

I wonder if he is happy after he packs away his one possession, after the crowds of people leave. I wonder how he is strong enough, if he is strong enough, to have been going so long on his own.  I wonder if he lied, if he’s actually terrified and lonely, or if he does take something else along with him on his travels — bits and pieces of people: the old man’s laughter, the girl smiling as she recorded him singing with her cell phone, the busy people who missed train after train as they stood in their subway station, singing. I wonder if it is enough for him, to have a part but not a whole.

It’s almost 2013. 2013! Can you feel it? I’m feeling it. I think 2013 is going to be great. Fantastic. Wonderful, even.

Some big things are coming up for me, in 2013. I’m graduating from college this Spring! Ah! I know. Yikes!

I’m moving out of my parents’ house! Ah! Independence! Frightening.

I’m moving out of Michigan! More yikes. More scary.

I’m getting a really cool job somewhere, that I really like, and that pays me an adequate sum of money for my time! Yay!

These are, of course, my plans. Things could change. Things will change. 2013 is coming, and bringing with it new, exciting life events!

Instead of looking back at 2012, like a lot of people are doing right-about-now, I’m looking forward. For once. Things are going to be different in 20-13! Oh. Twenty-thirteen doesn’t have quite the ring to it as twenty-twelve. Or, do I just have to get used to saying it? Maybe it three or four months I’ll like it better, it’ll roll off the tongue… anyway.

Basically, next year is the time to do all the things you thought about/wanted to do this year, but didn’t have the chance/time/bravery to do. What will you be doing in twenty-thirteen? (See, it almost works… a few more repetitions, and it’ll be super smooth-sounding.)

Instead of making resolutions, I’m making plans. And by plans, I mean that I’m making this list, of:

THINGS I WANT TO DO IN TWENTY-THIRTEEN

Start a Podcast!

Travel out of the USA

Graduate from College

Move out/Get an apartment

Leave Michigan

Get a J-O-B!

Write a movie script

PUT DOWN THE CELL PHONE

Make eye contact (not in a creepy way!)

Submit writing to magazines/journals

Be in a play/musical at school!

Practice/Learn Piano

Be more SOCIAL

Explore

Take more pictures! (Instagrams DO NOT COUNT)

Learn to Surf!

Learn to Ski!

Be ORGANIZED

Volunteer AT LEAST ONCE

Give blood

Sell stuff on Etsy again

Random Acts of Kindness!

World Book Night!

Be Brave, Honest, and Strong

Whew. Good thing 2013 is a full year, eh? Anyway, I think these goals rollover into the next year. 😉

Is the ball dropping yet? Twenty-Thirteen, here we come! (See, it works now! Twenty-Thirteen!)

Ok, I lied. I just can’t walk away from 2012 without a word goodbye! It’s been a great year. Here are a few of my favorite posts from the past year. Now I’ll see you in 2013! OK. Bye.

 A Dot on the Map

Why you should never look up to anyone

An Unburial

Californiacation, part 0

rust, dirt, men, and the world

a simple life question

i love you and i love you and i respect you