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The grounds swirl at the bottom of my coffee cup, proving gravity exists as the sun rises. You won’t notice them as you sip your sweetened caffeine, don’t worry. This is European Style I tell myself. In reality it’s probably poorly done, but it makes me happy pressing down the plunger – a sense of satisfaction. Today, I did something. I pressed a plunger down and I made some coffee that tasted pretty good at least to the standards of how it usually tastes when I make my coffee which is pretty much every single time I ever have coffee.

This year has dragged on and drag-raced away. Somehow the plants have kept growing and the windowsills always need to be dusted again. Families have felt deep loss, countries have faced harsh realities, the world has taken a collective breath and held it, trying not to breathe on one another.

As the sun comes up and the level of coffee in my mug goes down, I think about power. The power of the wealthy. The power of kindness. How hard it is to be kind when you’re powerless, with no resources to your name. How easy it is to be kind if you make the choice, despite how the world has shown itself to be.

The very best people I know struggle to live the way they want to. The most deserving humans whom I love, suffer. Talent, goodness, and kindness are left to swirl down the drain along with the remnants of my morning coffee. These are the things we don’t care about.

The sun is all the way up now. We see exactly what we are. The lights are on bright as we string up more lights for this holiday season, as we fill and refill our mugs full. We know what we are, you and I. What shall we do about it?

 

Last year she quit her job, sold her belongings, and moved to another state. Now she’s back again, and we’re here pretending nothing happened – no man broke her heart, no time has passed, she’s just living in a different apartment now, working a different job – slightly shifted but the same.

In my dream they stood naked in a field. In my head he sings to me still, though I haven’t seen him in years. He sings, he sings, the sun goes away behind a cloud, my eyes disappear beneath their lids, water swells over the earth.

You want to listen to his music pre-2017, Bob Dylan in his early years, my music in the future, if there is one.

My professor said all humans seek recognition. It’s the only way we can know ourselves – to see our self through someone else.

It isn’t real life, he said. It echoes at me through the years. It isn’t real life.

What are we building now? The houses of our past has crumbled. My mind is crumbling. Must we always make something more?

You are still alive out there, somewhere, though I haven’t seen you in years.

My old Philosophy teacher doesn’t want to vote for Bernie. But we all already knew that there is a limit to the usefulness of Philosophy.

The strings we left dangling may yet be tied back together. All we have is the time we have left to see what happens: what dreams we will dream, what music we will lose and find again, what people will fade away or come back, what all we will build and tear down.

Perhaps there is a parallel universe in which you are happy. Maybe there is one where her mother is a good person. Maybe there is one where you never hurt anyone. Everything would be different. Or one thing would be different.

This is where we live. Hello, again. Reaching for another day and more attention from the sun. From the son. Only boy child. Father, holy spirit, wholly ghosts in your closet.

We are all the same. Broken, immature humans. It is all we can be. Don’t worry if you’re not OK. We are animals, too. Don’t forget.

Give me some sugar. Lend it to your neighbor. We don’t do that, we’ve recessed into our own minds and walls. Share more.

He thinks about talking to him seven times per day, but doesn’t.

She thinks about being brilliant three times a day, but doesn’t.

The coffee is old and black and has been microwaved four times.

She said the words are woven together. Maybe that’s what you are, a weaver.

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1. There are much bigger problems in the world than yours. (This is supposed to make you feel better. Did it work?)

2. We are all afraid sometimes. It’s ok, I’m here for you!

3.  Jesse Eisenberg. Most beautiful award.

4. Don’t worry about it, I’ll be your valentine!

5. I have a hard time believing that other people sit around and do nothing, too. You’re all too interesting for that!

6. Life is long and beautiful and living is underrated.

7. Ok, ok! I finally get it! Frozen is the best movie ever created, and I do love it, and Olaf is the best! The internet was telling the truth!

8. If you don’t say anything, if you don’t tell them, it’s not actually real. If they don’t know, then you don’t want them to know. Make a move or stop talking about it! Love, me.

9. How to prepare for an interview: Drink lots of coffee. You’re welcome.

10. Where do I get a purpose in life? Do they sell them at Target?

1. Recently while watching TV at work I yelled “Your boobs look great!” at an infomercial about “special” bras. These things happen.

2. All I really want is a pouty European boy with a weird accent.

3. How long has it been since you built your last couch cushion fort?

4. If someone warns you that your beverage is hot, don’t test it out for yourself and burn your tongue. Just believe them.

5. There are people out there doing what you want to be doing. Maybe you think you can’t do it – but you can! They did!

6. What ever happened to Lady Gaga? Remember her?

7. I really want to hire a Psychologist and have them diagnose people with different mental disorders by only looking at their tumblr pages.

8. Just because spellcheck says it’s a word, doesn’t mean you’ve got it right. (Actual real life Facebook example: “Some of Gods greasiest gifts are unanswered prayers!!” So greasy.)

9. Sometimes I think people just keep the Starbucks cup they got that one time and refill it with coffee from home. You don’t actually go to Starbucks that often, right? Right?

10. It’s time to step it up a notch. Turn it up a step. You get what I mean. Go for broke! Go big or go home! Go to Bed! Wait, what?

1. Gas prices will always go down the minute/hour/day after you fill up your gas tank at the higher price!

2. Guys: Even if you’re ugly, dressing well, being intelligent, and/or having self-confidence will make you attractive.

3. Focus on the good in your life, not the bad. Surround yourself with interesting, happy people and you will become interesting and happy, too!

4. Never say that your life is meaningless. Well, duh! Welcome to reality! Now, shut up and go do something. Anything!

5. Even if you can’t force yourself to be a coffee person, you can still be a cappuccino person! If you can’t do that, try tea.

6. Don’t be an afraid or lazy or weak person – you’ll never become the person you want to be if you’re not brave, strong, and/or a go-getter. Beat what scares you, do what makes you nervous. Become who you want to be!

7. It may suck, but late Summer/early Fall is a beautiful time of year! Don’t forget to examine the world around you (always!) and take in the beauty of it all – quick, before winter hits!

8. A loud voice is not always a wise voice.

9. It’s not what you know, it’s who you know. Be nice to everyone, talk to everyone, be a citizen of the world! Your life will be better for it, and you’ll know people who know people.

10. Did you just say gnarly?

I have this never-ending desire to make things. To create.

It’s annoying.

I feel so much bigger than who I am. I am pulled to become this person. The person I want to become is a creator.

Not just blog posts, or poetry. Not just weird online videos. I want to be a part of something. Community. I want to hang out with amazing creative, talented people and create together. (Do I sound crazy right now? Have you stopped reading already?)

The Oscars were on tonight. Or the Academy Awards? I don’t get why the same show has two different names (couldn’t they decide?), but whatever. We just go with it, don’t we?

I tried my best to avoid that whole thing. I really did. I napped through the first half (and unfortunately was rudely awoken) and dodged the downstairs T.V. and twitter long enough (WHY is that show so long, anyway?!) to only catch the gist of it.

On the surface, the oscars (academy awards? whatever, just go with it) is a lot of over-paid celebrities in overly-expensive dresses (slash suits) being really funny (trying) in front of a camera while a whole lot of “regular” people watch from their living rooms. It’s glitzy, and pretty, and it gives people a lot to talk about (I guess? I MEAN DID YOU SEE WHAT SHE WAS WEARING?).

But, I think underneath all of that (you have to dig real far down) are really awesome people (for the most part) who are talented and creative and, um, awesome. (Or so we are led to believe. You have to be all of those things to get into show biz, right? Sign me up.)

So, although I despise the oscars/academy awards for what they seem to be on the surface (and what people watch the show for), I love what it’s meant to be about. I love all of the directors, photographers, screen play writers, etc., who we usually don’t get to see, pop up on our televisions in their lovely suits with their lovely selves and take home little statues of shiny gold naked men. Er, I mean, I love that we pay tribute to these people. The masterminds of creativity on this planet! Right?

That’s what I want to be a part of. The masterminding. (Sounds like a good Sci-fi flick. BRB! gotta get writing…) Not the showy part. Not the part that “regular” people watch for. I want to be a part of the group that makes the stuff. Not the people watching from their living room couches/chairs while wearing fancy clothes.

So, who’s in? Who wants to hang out and make stuff? Coffee? Anyone?