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what i am

March 14, 2014
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Sometimes it seems all of life is a series of footsteps, a trail of footprints. A step onto an airplane. A step away; forward. A step in the same annual circle. A smile, a nod. A slowly darkening, wrinkling mirror.

What if one of the footprints you left on that beach years ago is still there? Somehow, somehow. Left alone by waves and wind and other sandy, stomping tourists. Anyway, it still exists there, somewhere, if only in your mind. Footprints like memories, memories like eternal footprints on places.

A face in the mirror. A different face, one that doesn’t belong to you; never did, though you lied to yourself, said it was yours. Happiness replaced by nothingness replaced by sadness. Memories like the trails of footprints left by kisses on your body. You still see them, still visible, they still exist there on your shoulder, on your cheek; you feel them, they live with you, walk with you.

A dull gray morning. Smog covers what surely once was something beautiful. The sun has risen somewhere but you can’t see it. Men drag their feet to work and you follow, the hand of some clock, the minute of some hour. You sit in your chair, gulping coffee, dreaming about the pajama pants left in a puddle at the foot of your bed. Hours later, you step back out into the world, back to those pants: more footsteps, more circles.

I am a calendar. I am a footbridge. I am the shoes I wore when I was four. I am your silly laugh. I am your nervous tic. I am that midnight tear-filled dinner. I am that bad joke. I am your harsh words. I am your silence. I am the warmth of the sun from that day on the beach years ago.

the silence of endings

May 15, 2013
Musings
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I don’t want it to be over. But it might be. I didn’t want it to be over before, but I thought it should be, so I let it end. But leaving early to avoid awkward silences doesn’t leave you, in the end, with anything more than what you’d have otherwise. I should’ve stayed. I should’ve asked questions. I should have been less afraid of awkward silences, because silence was all I was left with in the end.

I learned my lesson, though. I didn’t want that to happen again. I wouldn’t let it happen again. Sometimes you think you know what’ll happen in a given situation, but you never know. It’ll never be like that, like the way you saw it happen in your head. I know that now, although sometimes I forget. But I didn’t let it happen again, not really. It ended, but I refused that ending; I ended it again, and then again, like re-doing takes on a film set.

The first time, I walked out to my car and didn’t say goodbye. I got in my car, closed the door, and stopped. It could’ve ended there. I didn’t let it.

I went back, said goodbye. Then I went to leave again, I walked half-way to my car, but then I turned around and walked right back because I wasn’t happy with that take, either. It wasn’t going to end like that.

I walked back again, said hello, and refused the previous ending. I fixed it, I made it better. Everything has to end, but you can guide the ending. You don’t have to accept everything that happens to you without doing something about it. And while you can’t stop endings, you can make them be ok. You can make the silence that you’re left with in the end be ok.

a simple life question

September 20, 2012
Musings
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What does an ideal day consist of for you? I’m talking anything. If you could spend your days any way you’d like, what would you do? How would you spend them? What would bring you the most joy, the most satisfaction, the most happiness?

I want an answer. A solid, real answer. No wishy-washy stuff: “Oh, I’d like to have some money, and just, you know, do… stuff.”

Where would you work? Who would you be friends with? How would you spend your time?

You know they say that “you can be anything”, you can do anything, yatta yatta. And you really can. It all depends on you.

I believe that 100%. That’s what makes life so scary – you only have one of them (Not going to say YOLO right here, don’t worry!), and you can do whatever you want with it (it’s all up to you!), and the choices that you make in your life cannot be reversed.

That’s scary, right? They don’t make video games like that – you have an endless supply of lives! You have a “mission” or “goal” to achieve to beat the game. You can go back to an old save if you accidentally kill someone and/or buy something you can’t afford (a giant house, maybe? A car? A kid?)!

What are you going to do with your life? Or, what are you doing with your life?

I can’t really answer any of these questions that I’ve been bombarding you with. I don’t really have a life plan. Sure, I know what I don’t want to do, I know who I don’t want to be friends with, I know how I don’t want to spend my time. I have a lot of those vague wishy-washy dreams – and they seem to be working out pretty well for me so far.

Ok, here’s one more question: If you know where you want to be, and who you want to be, and I told you that I could make you into that person right now – would you accept my offer? Would you become your “dream self” right now?

Or, do you want to spend your time – however long it takes – struggling to become that person?

Maybe I can’t answer this question fairly because I don’t really know where it is my life is heading – I am sort of automatically taking the latter option.

Does it matter if you have the ability to be anything you want to be if you don’t know what it is that you want to be?

notes from a notebook, Hey Infinity #7

September 8, 2012
Hey Infinity
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It’s about to happen again. Brace yourself. I’m about to quote… me.

I was flipping through an old notebook when I found it: a page in-between notes about philosophy. Wandering thoughts after classes and late at night – I have them a lot. Here’s one from 4-17-12 at 2AM. (Yes, I dated it and time-stamped it, too. It’s another thing I do – in addition to quoting myself.)

No one is ever happy with where they are. Americans want to live in England, Canadians dream of Ireland; all while the English pine for the USA and the Irish gaze longingly across the sea. Beauty is all around us. Happiness can be found anywhere. We all just want control over our own lives – any control at all, whatever we can get. We believe with all our hearts that our lives will be better spent elsewhere, so we spend all our lives looking for that better place. Those who claim to be content with their lives aren’t, really. They’re fooling themselves – lying outright and believing every word. You’re not content – you’re stupid. You’re pretending. You’re stuck. You’ve convinced yourself that changing your life in any way would cause you harm. And that might be so – but not changing is far worse. Living a life unhappy – what was that for? What do you get out of that? Can anyone really be content, living that way? If so, I feel sorry for you. Yet, someone has got to do it. The world needs McDonald’s workers, dog groomers, cashiers. Someone has got to do it. Not me – so, you? Or, move to Ireland. Which sounds better?

Oooh, harsh. I think there’s truth in this, though. What do you think? Throw some quotes at me!