Girls on OkCupid

1. Is that his dog? Aw, that’s cute! Wait. He totally used this picture just so girls would think his dog is cute. Oh, no, buster! That’s not working on me!

2. Is that his girlfriend? I don’t get it. Why does he have a girl (or two) in his profile pic? Is he secretly in love with her? Is that his sister? What? This is already too complicated.

3. His adorable grandma/grandpa?! Oh, my, gosh. So precious! I bet he really loves them. That’s nice. He must be a nice guy.

4. DUUUUUDE. Find a shirt.

5. WHY CAN’T I SEE YOUR FACE IN ANY OF THESE PICTURES? Hmm. Suspicious.

6. WOAH did you catch that fish? Or are you just holding it with your arm scrunched up like that, and I’m not supposed to think you’re doing it so that I check out your arm muscles? Anyway, I don’t eat fish. I’m a vegetarian. It says so on my profile. Gross!

7. Something about this picture tells me you traveled to London/somewhere in Europe/somewhere. Maybe it’s the giant historic building/landmark behind you. Are you trying to tell me something? Is it… do you… like to travel?!

8. Oh, here we go. A guy blatantly wearing sunglasses/holding an alcoholic beverage/on a beach/in the mountains. Never seen that before! What a unique fellow. He must be super tough. Also adventurous. It must also have been really sunny when all three of these pictures were taken. Wait, is that indoors?

9. Hmm… a small child. What does that mean? Is that a spawn of you, or a relative, or just a random passing baby? Please clarify. I mean, I would ask you to clarify if that small child hadn’t already scared me away.

10. Ooooh, look at this guy. He’s cute. 6’2″! No way! Oh, he likes books that I like. This is good, this is good. He watches Netflix – hey, me too! Lemme just message him something… something clever… how about: “Hey! :)” That’s it!! I think we’ll be married soon.