it only happens in the silence

We sit in a circle and talk and say nothing. During the silent parts, we really say nothing. We have nothing to say to one another. I have nothing to say to you. She bows her head, pretending to read, or text, or check her email. He stares blankly at something – it doesn’t matter what. I watch all of this happen and I too say nothing. I do the same things. We all do the same things.

We talk about what other people have talked about. We translate other peoples’ words into our own and pretend they are important. Are they important? No, they’re not important. This guy is dead. Is it relevant? No, it’s not relevant. Why are we doing this? Why are we always doing this?

I try to force myself back into the hive mind but I can’t. I listen to what other people say but I don’t hear them. No one hears them. They can’t. They cannot. Tears well up in my eyes – why?

We laugh. We try so hard to come together and understand. We never will – not like this. Not in this way. We’re going about it all wrong. There are little moments where we feel it happening, but those fade away so quickly. We can’t keep them, so we keep talking. We speak nonsense. We don’t know what we’re saying. We just talk and say nothing. We can’t stop.

What I want to say to you does not exist in words. What we all want to say to each other does not exist in this world, in this place, in this society. We laugh and cry together and it means nothing.

It only happens in the silence. It only happens in our unspoken language. Those quiet times are our opportunities, but we don’t take them. We sit silently, silently. Waiting for someone to speak nothingness. We can’t. We cannot.