all opinions on the table, please

Oh God, is the current political race so boring (romney v. obama, obama takes it – can we skip to november now?) that we have to dramatize issues that aren’t even issues?!

I mean, I avoid this stuff as much as possible. Not the real issues, not the news, not important world events — the elections. (Can we seriously get some new people to vote for? None of the above? No one at all?)

The elections, and the crazy people that pop out from who-knows-where (where do they hide, and how do we make them stay hidden?) and make everyone freak out about the crazy schemes that they’ve been planning since the last time they ducked down into their hidey-holes.

Now I see everyone freaking out about birth control and Planned Parenthood and women’s rights…

“Oh, shit! These white guys wanna take away the pill!? Oh, no they don’t! Over my dead body! Sisters, unite!” (Are you imagining them as super-heroines after that last line? I sure am!) “We will stop this! Let’s blog about it! Let’s go on The News!”

Step back, darlings. How long has abortion been legal? How many people want that changed? How many of those white guys? How does the issue of birth control compare to abortion on a scale of one to ten? Are you getting this?

Contraceptives are here to stay. Divorce is not going to become illegal. (Unless Rick Santorum wins! Yeah, let’s vote for THAT guy, America!) What are some of the other ridiculous ideas that are springing up and causing a ruckus? Why are we talking about this? Why is it on the news? Why are we pretending it could happen? No. It’s not going to happen. Settle down, there.

Maybe we’re all just trying to pass the time. November is so far away. Think of how many horrible political commercials you’ll have to watch in all the time between then and now! (I’m sorry!)

Speaking of those commercials, what are we, eternal high schoolers?

“Oh. My. GOD. Did you hear what Romney did?! He TOTALLY changed his mind on that issue! Can you believe it?! WHO does that?”

“Obama… yeah, right, what has he been DOING the past FOUR years? Remember how (when he was a freshman) he had ALL THOSE plans? Yeah, where did THOSE go?”

You’re welcome, commercial writers. Feel free. Take what you need. I’ve given you the basic building blocks, right? Be sure to quote me!

Really, though, if I didn’t despise “election time” so much, I might enjoy how completely ridiculous the commercials are. But I just can’t bring myself to watch and enjoy them. They’re like fake reality shows from our government! Gee, what a great time to be alive.